Friday, April 23, 2010

Treats That Turn Him On

I went to the Safeway to buy 6 bagels for $1.99 and a donut for whatever it cost and while I was waiting in the checkout asile where the human hadn't been replaced by a machine yet I noticed this thing:

Being Cosmopolitan Magazine, it of course is advertising the exact same titillatingly sensual headlines as EVERY OTHER Cosmopolitan Magazine ever released ever since before I was alive. It has been about a decade since I'd flipped through one so I thought I'd give it a look to see just what of His Burning Sex Need or Orgasm Tricks they are teaching girls these days.

I opened it up and found the page number of the article that most resembled the words on the cover I wanted to read more about and then I went there and it looked like this:



You spending money on a bunch of fucking chemicals in bottles is what turns us on. Totally. That's the first thing I look for in a woman- I try and figure out what kinda smelly, oily gunk invented by scientists and tested on imprisoned animals she's decided to cover her skin in. Totally. I read Cosmopolitan a lot to make sure I know what the right brands are to figure out if she is a keeper or not.


What turns us on is that you have a pulse and one or more penetrable orifices and your personality is tolerable for at least an hour. A "Treat" might be that you look cute, you are intelligent enough to have a decent conversation with, you are independent and self confident, you have your life together, your middriff or the backs of your thighs are exposed, you have cute hair, you are not mental, you say nice things to us, you have a personality, you wear short skirts and/or sexy underwear, you enjoy sex, you don't try and change us or make us feel like your pet project, you don't make us buy you drinks all the time and you are willing to take turns buying dinner or maybe you buy it sometimes, you have similar interests as us, your vagina does not have small bits of toilet paper stuck on it...

It's not really that hard. At all. You do not need to buy anything out of a bottle or that is advertised in Cosmopolitan Magazine in order to satisfy His Burning Sex Need or be a Treat That Turns Him On. You need to be YOU... be engaging, interesting, able to contribute to our lives without oppressing them, and, yes... having a body that is nice to look at helps. That doesn't mean you have to be a super model or starve yourself. Anorexia is not attractive. Look healthy... eat decent food, not processed fast food junk and canned sugary syrup. Go for a walk once in a while or be part of some kinda sport or hobby that involves taking your body out of a chair and exercising it. Look naked like a woman. Not a 12 year old boy. Curves are fine. Minor quirky deformities can even be charming. It all depends on your attitude and how you carry yourself. Be an interesting human. Do cool stuff. In the long run that'll make you a lot more interesting to talk to, learn from, and grow with. At the same time it'll probably improve your over all image, stature, shape, and confidence to have interests, personalities, quirks, activities you do regularly, and the rest of it...

The Great Misfortune, however, is that no woman who actually reads Cosmopolitan Magazine with any degrees of rigorous consistancy is likely to be reading this. Ever.

1 comment:

  1. Well that was informative... I'm hoping I do some of said list well. :)